It's been awhile since I've written an entire post.
I've written much these past few months, but none that made the final cut.
I've been seriously contemplating logging off for good from my dear blog.
I'm sure writing here was something I was called to do, but years later, I am not sure it is something I am called to continue.
(Please pray for me here!)
As my grandma used to say ,"we shall see."
Who knows what tomorrow brings and maybe I will finally find the time and words required to keep a proper blog running.
Or maybe I won't, and that will be the best thing.
I'm not sure.
(You will be praying?!?)
Anyways, I am having trouble summarizing my days and thoughts in neat packages.
My days aren't necessarily neat.
They are blessed; often filled with raucous laughter from my beautiful kiddos, hugs and kisses from my hubby, and always filled with laundry and messy windows and lots of learning and enough dog hair to knit a new sweater....every.day.
But there is nothing neat about them.
I make my own day-planner simply because my days are so un-neat & unpredictable. Every other calendar I have found designs their system on "to-dos" and planning for a future that really none of us has a guarantee of. I can plan to complete four lessons with my kids tomorrow, mop all the floors and what we will eat for dinner for the next eight weeks, but time has a way of reminding me Who's in charge. I become a slave to the list I planned instead of praising God for using my life the way He saw best that day. So, my planner lists only the incredibly-important-things-that-will-be-disaster-if-I-forget-this-appointment types of things. The rest is a record of what I actually did for the day. I cannot express how beautifully liberating this has been. And, guess what? I get more done doing it this way. I leave room for God to work and move and show the way.
I am blessed (overwhelmed maybe? In a good, book-nerdy kinda way) with a huge pile of books that I am praying I will finish someday and that I will be able take something away from everyone of them. This in itself is growing my heart and mind in leaps and bounds (and limits my writing time!).
I have also committed to read the Bible from front to back. Moment of transparency here-I never have read the entire Bible.(Sigh.Yes.) I have tried many times but somewhere around Leviticus, I looked at all those pages to go and turned back to Proverbs or Philippians, or just picked up the latest book on my to-read pile (see above paragraph). And that "worked". God still spoke to my heart through those verses and stories, but I couldn't quit thinking how much I was missing.
And I was.
I originally started this plan back in August. It was a "read the Bible through in 40 days plan". Sounds impossible but I was able to keep up for a few days. After day three, my husband was in the hospital for a bit and things just fell behind from there. But I kept going (Amazing grace!) Not at a forty day pace, but at a pace that I will be able to say someday-this year perhaps!?(Lord willing, see previous paragraphs!)- that I actually have read the whole thing.
And I can't even find words to explain yet how incredibly heart-stirring this has been for me. The "first world" American version of the Gospel is lacking SO much. I equate it to the game of Telephone. Where you start with one message and by the end it is something completely different. And this can happen faster and easier when, as an individual, I didn't even really know the whole context to start from. I challenge all people, believers and non-believers alike to read the Bible cover to cover. Yes, everyone. Because maybe, just maybe, the Christian version you have heard is more of the "telephone" Gospel than the true Gospel. And, if it doesn't stir your heart, then you can still know that you have read the Book that has influenced so much of history.
Home school this year challenged me on entirely new levels. I had a plan (I was still trying to fight what I already knew-that a day by day, hour by hour plan just didn't work for our lives). I was excited (a.k.a. -in denial- ha!). I had a new printer with crazy ink last-ability and a quick printing pace. I had a new laminater.( I was in heaven.) I went a little planning and laminating and print crazy. Then, the week school started my hubby had two doctor appointments planned two hours away each. We started school the next week instead, hoping for a clean start to our school year.
One week after starting school, hubby was again in the hospital for three days this time. Between running back and forth to the hospital (again, two hours away), planning for his care, making sure the kids were cared for and trying to remember how long it had been since I had someone come to the house to let our dogs outside, I realized my laminated and beautifully printed plans were not going to work. That is when I finally gave up on my plans. Not on learning, not on education, but on the uninspired structure I had tried so unsuccessfully to implement.
I won't say that it was all rainbows and butterflies. It was hard. And to top it off, third grade (the grade of my oldest) brings new challenges in and of itself. New ways of thinking. New attitudes (ugh!) and so...I was praying for grace and wisdom and peace and direction more.than.ever.
And, I had to keep Proverbs 15:1 written on our board for all to see. (Mostly for me. Because after two hours of work on the same assignment, I need a real reminder of truth).
But it has been a beautiful kind of hard.
Now that we have made it half way through this school year, and by the beautiful design of learning in an environment that allows for real life to teach and grow us, my kiddos are doing better than I ever imagined. Off the charts better.
And then there are the health struggles of my hubby. I recently read an article here and it hits close to home (and heart). My hubby is one of the strongest people I know. The things that he adapts and overcomes just amaze me. I have learned so much about grace and not taking life for granted from him. And, despite the struggle, maybe because of it, our family, our hearts, individually and collectively, are growing and learning and seeking Jesus more than ever before.
Our eyes have been set on heaven.
Not that we don't cherish this beautiful life we have here.
But because, as C.S. Lewis once said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
I am also preparing to speak at a women's conference in March, to share my part in the story of this world. I can't wait to share how God has worked His miracles, love and laughter and lessons in things and moments that were destined for disaster without a Divine touch. I am humbled by this chance, because I feel so inadequate to share the depth of what has happened--what is happening. But I can't help but share, and God is preparing my heart and the words. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to Him!
So, as you might see, so much heart-stirring has been going on. I share this to make somewhat of a clean slate, to catch up the blog on where I am now so when I find the words I can go from here (if that is the plan!).
This post, it isn't neatly put together or even very well written, But it is what has been stirring here in my heart and that is the whole point, right?!